Let me start this article with an image. Imagine a woman sitting on the step outside her front door. She looked haggard and dishevelled, her hair is matted and she's wearing something comfortable but shabby. It's not that she can't afford nice clothes, or doesn't own any, she's just lost all of her energy. She's lost the energy to take care of herself. She wasn't always like this you understand, she was once a bright, bubbly woman who always wore her makeup and had something funny to say. It's her fiftieth birthday soon and she's started to think back on her life and the lives of her children. She spilt with their father over fifteen years ago and she felt alone and stigmatised. She felt no one would want her because she was a single mother. That she should feel lucky and grateful that any man could give her the time of day. Then he came along. That special man. He treated her like a princess and doted on her child. He was so charming, he would call her every night and ask her where she was or what she was doing. He was protective of her, he saw her as a prize. They spent romantic evenings in front of the television eating takeaway or fun nights in bars when she had a sitter (which he would pay for of course). He would bring her flowers and cook for her, she would wear the bracelet he got for their "three month" anniversary on her wrist, like a proud trophy of his love. He would tell her how he had never met a woman so beautiful or how she was the love of his life. He often spoke of marriage and having more children. She would tell her friends and family how he was "the one".
Then, just as she started to get comfortable with the idea of trusting him, it began. It started off small. Stuff about the dishes not being washed properly or something about her parenting style. She would feel a bit hurt but rationalised it that this caring man was only trying to help, he wanted the best for her after all. She took his direction and tried a bit harder. Yet still, he would find something else to complain about. He would criticise her weight or something she wore. He started to flirt with other women in front of her. He no longer cuddled her on the sofa and he no longer doted on her child. "What have I done?" She thought, wondering where the amazing man of a few months ago had gone. She must have done something right? You can't possibly be in love one minute and acting like this the next? No matter she would try harder. She knew that she was once worthy of his love so why isn't she worthy of it now? It's fixable, she knew how sweet he could be ..... The first time he hit her she was shocked. He said "you made me angry". She cried and threatened to leave or call the police but he held her hand gently. He begged, he cried, he said how he was messed up and he needed therapy. How he loved her so much. She conceded. The gifts began, the hugs on the sofa. She felt he had changed his ways. It lasted about a week. The bracelet he bought her started to weigh heavy on her wrist. She would take it out on her child, snap at him or try and hide him away so he wouldn't see anything. She felt like a bad mother, a bad girlfriend, a bad woman.
She would go days without leaving the house unless she had to. She began to dress to hide herself because it wasn't worth an argument. She stopped wearing make up. She stopped going out with her friends. She was too afraid to tell anyone because she had already told them how wonderful he was. He began to hit her on a weekly basis. If she threatened to kick him out or call the police he would plead and beg and she would believe it every time. She would pray each cycle would be the last. She would pray that each time he said sorry that he meant it. Years went by and she became a shadow of herself. Her child became shy and strange and then would act up at school. Mother and son would tiptoe around her boyfriend, hoping he wouldn't explode. She didn't spend money without him knowing, she didn't go to the shop without him knowing, she didn't call her sister without him knowing. He was her general and she would report back at the end of each day.
He would always find something to complain about, an excuse to hit her or put her down. She couldn't even remember the last time he gave her a compliment. It became clear he was courting other women and she let him. He would lie to her and she would pretend to believe it. Anything to avoid being called "crazy" anything to avoid a punch in the face. If she so much as touched a lipstick he would accuse her of trying to "impress other men". She felt worthless, she felt no one would want her, she felt ugly. She looked in the mirror and saw an old woman with bags under her eyes. She felt tired all the time. She felt disconnected from her son. Her son would stick up for her. Her boyfriend would threaten him. Her boyfriend said her son should leave the house and she thought about it. Anything to avoid an argument. Her son eventually moved into his grandmother's home. Her boyfriend still wasn't satisfied.The white wedding she had dreamed of never happened. She was working two jobs to pay for her boyfriend's couch potato lifestyle, for his cigarettes, for his nights out. Gone were the days where he spent a single penny on her. He had been fired from several jobs, he didn't feel the need to hold one down.She barely spoke to her son. She was alone.
Now she's sitting, almost fifty years old. A broken woman on her front step. All because she believed she wasn't good enough. All because she had low self esteem. All because she let stigma govern her self worth. She settled for less. She's lived a life of regret. For what? What did she gain? The fake love of a man who wasn't worth a second of her time? The promises and the lies of an abuser? What is all of that worth? Is it worth your life? Is it worth your child's life? It's worth nothing. Leave him. You deserve real love. You deserve happiness. You are worth a million times more than you think you are. Never settle for abuse.
Just leave, because you can't get the time back and neither can your child