How to handle it if you are still in love with your child’s father
There are few things that hurt more than building a family and a home with someone, only to have it crumble a year or so later. Maybe you left because of the arguing, or maybe he cheated. Maybe he is now even LIVING with the ‘other woman’. Sometimes you wonder how on earth you can get up in the morning after all of the hurt and still care for your child. There will be days where you feel less than, and that your child deserves better. Let me tell you now, if your child is happy, healthy, warm, fed and clothed you are doing an AMAZING job. Period. The fact that you can still provide for your child when you feel at your worst shows your true strength. You can even go to the park, bathe them, help them with their homework and nurse them when they are sick whilst all the while your heart is literally breaking inside. You are a lioness.
Ok. There’s a man shaped gap in your life. There’s a space in your bed where he used to lie. You still have his favourite mug in the cupboard or a picture of him on your phone. You speak to your child absent mindedly of ‘Daddy’ as if he’s just going to show up at your door and claim his place as the man of the house. Except it’s not like that. He’s off playing house with some little tart or coming round for sex and then leaving again. This isn’t how your family home looks like in your head. In your head; There’s Mummy, Daddy, Baby and house. There’s Netflix after the kids have gone to bed and home cooked meals. There’s family days out and hugs on a Sunday morning. In your head Daddy doesn’t come round for a quick trundle on the floor with a few toy cars and a leap into bed with you. A tenner for formula and a half arsed excuse as to why he can’t stay the night or be in a ‘proper’ relationship with you.
Let’s set the record straight with both situations. I will start with the ‘other woman’ scenario first.
Yes there is a way to get him back. It’s a long game and by the time you get him back you may not even want him at all.
If you are still in contact, keep phone conversations brief. Always hang up first and never ever argue. If he comes in make sure you have something he likes there. It’s a reward system, positive reinforcement. He will associate you with positive things. Make sure you look your best and then suddenly have to go somewhere. Remind him of why he fell in love with you. Don’t let him touch you and make it clear you want nothing to do with him until hussy the homewrecker is out of the picture. Keep your class, keep your dignity. This approach takes an enormous amount of self control but in the end his new woman will end up looking like a raging witch and you will be the cool, sexy ex who he comes back to. This isn’t a guarantee he won’t cheat again and it may take a long time.
The second approach to this scenario is to get over him. Think of the good times and let him go. Try to feel happy for him. Any resentment you hold will only make you feel worse. It won’t do a damn thing to him. Raise the kids in exemplary fashion and show him what he could have had. Start to date again, slowly. Realise that it is only a matter of time before he cheats on this woman too (worst case scenario you will have a new friend). Remember that he threw it all away just to ejaculate in a new vagina. Really consider what kind of man that is. He puts priority on his sexual satisfaction over his family. Fuck him. You may be raging with jealousy, but honestly? There’s nothing to be jealous of. He’s still going to get fat/bald and have erectile problems one day. Maybe when the blood is drained from his penis it will finally flow into his brain and he will have a clue.
Right, onto the second situation which is more complicated, and in some ways more heartbreaking. So you are still sleeping together. He comes round tells you what you want to hear and you end up in bed. It’s a horrible cycle and YOU are the one feeling bad at the end of it all. You can’t really move on because your heart lies with him but you can’t be with him properly because he is spouting golden lines about “commitment problems” or “I still have feelings for you but…..(insert bullshit excuse here)”
Let’s be frank. If a man respects you he will never do this. Having a situation like this only makes you feel a lot less worthy than you should. Sleeping with your child’s father is not a family unit, it’s a selfish man taking advantage of your feelings. He finds you hot but he’s not willing to step up. So why is the mother of his child good enough to sleep with but not to be with? Where’s the logic? There is none. He’s keeping you on a verbal string and if you don’t stamp your foot he will ditch you for the next little ho that swipes right on him (oh and then he will come back to you in the interim).
Here’s how to deal with it, for your sake and your child’s.
1. Stop having sex with him. You are a hot. You are a Queen, what gives this creep the right to you without commitment?
2. If he calls round ‘wanting to see his child’ say sure, and meet him at a café. Then say you have to go. Or rearrange plans. He will start to wonder what’s up.
3. Start to dress a little differently or try a new hairstyle, get his mind ticking about another man.
4. Absent yourself from social media and when he texts send blunt replies about your child’s health and activities.
5. Don’t delve into ANY emotional conversations whatsoever and stick to business. His child and maintenance payments, that’s it. If he starts to talk sex or be soppy curb the conversation.
6. Go on dates. If only to take your mind off him, have fun with other men text other men, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. You don’t have to sleep with anyone you can literally just have fun and come home. It will make you feel more confident and attractive.
7. Take up a new hobby if you can, keep busy. Busy women are attractive women.
8. If he calls, ask if it’s important and if he says no tell him you have to go and do your nails. It will insult him that you prioritise your nails over him.
9. Men are hunters, if you want him back get lost in the forest and let him find you.
10. He knows what you look like naked, he knows your best and your worst parts. Think about it, there’s nothing he will ‘realise’ whilst frequenting your bed that he doesn’t already know. He isn’t going to ‘wake up’ one day. The only way men wake up is when you are gone.
11. If he’s still physically into you, you CAN get him back. But you have to make him respect you. Stick to these rules and be firm. Say no when you want to say yes. Don’t deviate!
Do not use the above rules if the man was abusive, violent, controlling or just a general piece of shit. These men need to be binned ASAP. Good luck!